What does the term "self-destructive behavior" bring to mind?
- Cutting
- Overeating
- Smoking
- Remaining in an abusive relationship
These are all overt behaviors. There are also internal behaviors:
- Suicidal ideation (perhaps the most self-destructive behavior of all)
- Thinking you are less worthy than others
What is on my mind right now is another type of self-destructive behavior that may not be easily recognized as such. For me, it's not keeping regular sleep hours.
Each night, my husband goes to sleep no later than 9:30pm. Isn't this just a perfect reminder for me to hit the sac? And yet I say up, and not to do things (because I can't make noise now that hubby is sleeping) - so I just stay up watching television.
The following pattern has taken place the last 5 days:
- My husband kisses me goodnight by 10pm
- I stay in the living room watching television
- I flip channels, not really finding much to watch (especially as we hit the hour mark and shows are ending)
- I start to fall asleep around 12:30am, but I continue to stay in the living room flipping channels
- I fall asleep on the couch with the lights and TV on, wake up some time between 1am and 2am, and finally mosey on up to bed, not brushing my teeth or washing my face as I should
- For work days, have significant trouble getting to work on time
- And today, Saturday, not getting up until almost 10am...
This morning I wasn't even tired, I wasn't even having a sound sleep... I was half-awake, aware that my husband was getting ready to do things, feeding cats, showering... And yet I stayed in bed, hoping to get some rest, but not really achieving it.
*This* is my version of self-destructive, and even self-mutilating behavior.
My husband was annoyed at me this morning for staying up so late and then not getting up until 10am. I understand his frustration, and it's not like he was overtly mad - just annoyed, and I noticed it, so I inquired. That's when I realized that this is my version of self-mutilating behavior, and I plan to share this insight with him so he can respond with kindness and ask "what's wrong?" instead of getting annoyed. I'm not trying to be a slob, or an irresponsible person - I'm just trying to hurt myself by doing things I **know** are detrimental to my overall well-being.
There are other, equally subtle or "socially acceptable" self-mutilating behaviors I engage in: the one that easily comes to mind is eating a pile of fried food or high-sugar pastries on days when I'm stressed. I almost *wish* I would drink, smoke, or use drugs so it would be more obvious that I'm really emoting the sadness I feel inside.
But, I'm not writing this to pity myself or say to the world how it can help me. I will share with my husband that, when I do these things, it's because I feel sad, lonely, or empty inside, and something along the lines of "What's wrong?" would be effective at helping to stop the behavior, and it would also prevent him from getting frustrated. He doesn't have to be a victim in this either :).
So, the reason I'm really writing is to think through this. What hurt is at the root of this behavior?
Work.
I enjoy my job - it's frustrating, and these days I do nothing by troubleshoot issues, but I like this. I do not exaggerate when I say I am one of maybe two or three people at my job site of 500 that can effectively troubleshoot the issues we are having with the new business system software installed in October. The software is an end-to-end system, from receipt of customer orders, to design of custom solutions, to procurement of components, to manufacturing, and finally delivery. Most people, when they encounter an issue, look for the problem in the immediate vicinity of their function, but this software system is tightly integrated end-to-end, which means often the problem lies far away: for example, a problem in placing a purchase order for components may be caused by an error in the way the customer order was entered.
The actual challenges with getting work done are compounded by the internal culture and politics, and this is the part that's most frustrating. I've tried to cross boundaries and help other divisions, and the result has been people yelling at me or politely telling me to piss off. The most challenging part about my job is navigating all the negative, dark, low-frequency energy floating about in the form of past resentments and territorial attitudes.
So I truly do need to find a way to help myself here. How am I going to build my defenses so I don't get dragged down to the energy level others exhibit?
This is really what it boils down to, and this is something I've done before and can do again. I need to work more on recharging my spirit and tapping into my Source energy so I can project positive energy continuously and thus prevent the negative energy from making its way back to me. I don't know that my spirit has an energy one-way valve I can shut off: it's more of an open channel. Therefore, to prevent stuff from "backing up" into me, I have to keep "flushing" the channel in one direction, and that's positive energy out. To do that, I have to focus on keeping my connection to Source so I'm continuously drawing that positive energy and projecting it into this reality.
Source energy is limitless. Sure, I could try "recharging" but I think it's possible to skip being a battery and just plug right into the source of power. In my view, this is a more concrete description of how to solve this problem :-).
Thank you for following along as I spent a few minutes in self-discovery.
Peace and Love,
Serenity Joy
Saturday, December 1, 2012
Friday, November 9, 2012
Be your own hero
I started reading (well, really flipping through) my copy of "Four Word Self Help" by Patti Digh. I like her comparison of this "technique" to haiku writing: in both cases, a lot of meaning is conveyed in very few words...
So what am I telling myself with "Be your own hero"?
Paraphrasing merriam-webster.com's definitions for the words "hero" and "heroine," these are some of the meanings for this word:
(sidebar: I was surprised that the definitions for these words are not *identical*)
1a) a mythological or legendary figure often of divine descent endowed with great strength or ability1b) an illustrious warrior
1c) a [person] admired for his [or her] achievements and noble qualities
1d) one who shows great courage
2a) the principal character in a literary or dramatic work
2b) the central figure in an event, period, or movement
Let me switch to telling myself to "be my own heroine" in exploring the meaning associated with some of these definitions.
1a) Figure of divine descent endowed with great strength or ability
Telling myself to 'be my own heroine' is a call to remember my divine nature (all humans are divine). Recognizing, embracing, nurturing, and cherishing this divinity results in a fortitude of spirit for me, and this in turn promotes a sense of safety from which I feel capable to do whatever I may be called to do. I will always remember the words from my yoga instructor, that "divinity is not 'out there' but rather it is something found inside of us." I feel my divinity in my heart: it's my connection to Source, and somewhat ironically my ability to sense this connection is directly proportional to how grounded I am in my human body. In other words: "in-body" experiences strengthen the connection to my divine spirit.
Message to self: "be your own heroine" by increasing your connection to divine spirit via more "in-body" experiences.
1b+d) An illustrious warrior; one who shows great courage
Challenges I encounter tend to be of two types:
- Actions in alignment with my core values are sometimes unpopular or difficult to carry out
- Helping others sometimes depletes my inner resources
To 'be my own heroine' I must have the courage to be genuine and take actions that are aligned to my core values, and I must do so responsibly to ensure I don't burn out prematurely. I am to have a long life of meeting challenges head on and successfully overcoming those challenges: it's not sufficient to have the courage, I must also produce results.
2a) The principal character
**I matter.**
My role in this time and place is to serve Earth and humanity as a bridge and a filter (see Why am I not extraordinary?), and this includes a responsibility to myself to experience all aspects of this journey. All the work I am doing will be balanced by restorative play time.
So, these are some of the meanings behind the message to myself to "by my own heroine."
Peace and Love,
Serenity Joy
So what am I telling myself with "Be your own hero"?
Paraphrasing merriam-webster.com's definitions for the words "hero" and "heroine," these are some of the meanings for this word:
(sidebar: I was surprised that the definitions for these words are not *identical*)
1a) a mythological or legendary figure often of divine descent endowed with great strength or ability1b) an illustrious warrior
1c) a [person] admired for his [or her] achievements and noble qualities
1d) one who shows great courage
2a) the principal character in a literary or dramatic work
2b) the central figure in an event, period, or movement
Let me switch to telling myself to "be my own heroine" in exploring the meaning associated with some of these definitions.
1a) Figure of divine descent endowed with great strength or ability
Telling myself to 'be my own heroine' is a call to remember my divine nature (all humans are divine). Recognizing, embracing, nurturing, and cherishing this divinity results in a fortitude of spirit for me, and this in turn promotes a sense of safety from which I feel capable to do whatever I may be called to do. I will always remember the words from my yoga instructor, that "divinity is not 'out there' but rather it is something found inside of us." I feel my divinity in my heart: it's my connection to Source, and somewhat ironically my ability to sense this connection is directly proportional to how grounded I am in my human body. In other words: "in-body" experiences strengthen the connection to my divine spirit.
Message to self: "be your own heroine" by increasing your connection to divine spirit via more "in-body" experiences.
1b+d) An illustrious warrior; one who shows great courage
Challenges I encounter tend to be of two types:
- Actions in alignment with my core values are sometimes unpopular or difficult to carry out
- Helping others sometimes depletes my inner resources
To 'be my own heroine' I must have the courage to be genuine and take actions that are aligned to my core values, and I must do so responsibly to ensure I don't burn out prematurely. I am to have a long life of meeting challenges head on and successfully overcoming those challenges: it's not sufficient to have the courage, I must also produce results.
2a) The principal character
**I matter.**
My role in this time and place is to serve Earth and humanity as a bridge and a filter (see Why am I not extraordinary?), and this includes a responsibility to myself to experience all aspects of this journey. All the work I am doing will be balanced by restorative play time.
So, these are some of the meanings behind the message to myself to "by my own heroine."
Peace and Love,
Serenity Joy
Thursday, November 8, 2012
Why am I not extraordinary?
For as long as I can recall, I've wished to somehow be "extraordinary."
1) As a young girl, I wondered why the Virgin Mary didn't appear to me - wasn't I good enough? I tried so hard to "pray right" - to prevent my thoughts from wandering and think carefully about each word in the three prayers I said nightly so that I could actually mean it.
2) As a young adult, I thought my life was sufficiently "interesting in a messed up way" that I would be a Psychology case study.
3) When I first started my Spiritual Studies, I wished so badly to have "psychic abilities" (I guess that goes hand-in-hand with #1).
4) When I read about past lives and aliens, I tried to "will" in me the ability to move across space, time, dimensions, and realities to remember.
I've taken courses and read books on a variety of topics on the human experience, and these are some of the things I believe without hesitation:
- Human form is a manifestation of my true nature as pure Energy
- Energy can take on many forms and vibrates at numerous frequencies
- Higher vibrational frequencies are "felt:" the higher the frequency, the lighter the feeling (and vice-versa)
- Human form is not the only form I've taken: I have manifested in physical form on other world(s)
- Spiritual Guides, Ascended Master, and alien species are all real to me, although I have no proof of this other than their existence makes sense to me
- Earth is a living being and she is making a transition in energy
It's not my intent to list all my beliefs here, just to set the tone for the rest of this post.
So if I do believe all these things, why am I not able to see these things my own eyes? Why can't I remember past lives or experiences aboard space crafts? Why don't I see "apparitions" of my guides? Why can't I see auras? What am I not extraordinary?
All the courses I've taken and books I've read focus on "the other side" and how to "rise above" the human experience and its suffering. I've tried to be enlightened and Zen about this whole living thing, but it just doesn't work for me. So what am I doing wrong?
Well, maybe I'm not *meant* to be enlightened and Zen about being human; maybe my job is to be fully present in this human experience. What if I don't have to be fully Zen and always "Miss Perfect who does no wrong"? What if I'm supposed to be just like everyone else in this sense. I like this... I officially give myself permission to be fully human, meaning:
- It's ok to be judgmental of other drivers, so long as they and I stay safe (no giving the finger just because their driving sucks)
- It's ok to need external validation once in a while - it's human nature!!
- It's so very ok to indulge in yummy fried food or meaty morsels - no vegetarian, raw, and/or liquid diets for me!
At the same time, I recognize and embrace my role in this time and place as:
- Bridge: I am human so that I can connect other humans
- Filter: I draw energy from Source, convert it to "humanphilic" form, and radiate it
So, that's why I'm not extraordinary - at least in the way I was looking to be.
Peace and Love,
Serenity Joy
1) As a young girl, I wondered why the Virgin Mary didn't appear to me - wasn't I good enough? I tried so hard to "pray right" - to prevent my thoughts from wandering and think carefully about each word in the three prayers I said nightly so that I could actually mean it.
2) As a young adult, I thought my life was sufficiently "interesting in a messed up way" that I would be a Psychology case study.
3) When I first started my Spiritual Studies, I wished so badly to have "psychic abilities" (I guess that goes hand-in-hand with #1).
4) When I read about past lives and aliens, I tried to "will" in me the ability to move across space, time, dimensions, and realities to remember.
I've taken courses and read books on a variety of topics on the human experience, and these are some of the things I believe without hesitation:
- Human form is a manifestation of my true nature as pure Energy
- Energy can take on many forms and vibrates at numerous frequencies
- Higher vibrational frequencies are "felt:" the higher the frequency, the lighter the feeling (and vice-versa)
- Human form is not the only form I've taken: I have manifested in physical form on other world(s)
- Spiritual Guides, Ascended Master, and alien species are all real to me, although I have no proof of this other than their existence makes sense to me
- Earth is a living being and she is making a transition in energy
It's not my intent to list all my beliefs here, just to set the tone for the rest of this post.
So if I do believe all these things, why am I not able to see these things my own eyes? Why can't I remember past lives or experiences aboard space crafts? Why don't I see "apparitions" of my guides? Why can't I see auras? What am I not extraordinary?
All the courses I've taken and books I've read focus on "the other side" and how to "rise above" the human experience and its suffering. I've tried to be enlightened and Zen about this whole living thing, but it just doesn't work for me. So what am I doing wrong?
Well, maybe I'm not *meant* to be enlightened and Zen about being human; maybe my job is to be fully present in this human experience. What if I don't have to be fully Zen and always "Miss Perfect who does no wrong"? What if I'm supposed to be just like everyone else in this sense. I like this... I officially give myself permission to be fully human, meaning:
- It's ok to be judgmental of other drivers, so long as they and I stay safe (no giving the finger just because their driving sucks)
- It's ok to need external validation once in a while - it's human nature!!
- It's so very ok to indulge in yummy fried food or meaty morsels - no vegetarian, raw, and/or liquid diets for me!
At the same time, I recognize and embrace my role in this time and place as:
- Bridge: I am human so that I can connect other humans
- Filter: I draw energy from Source, convert it to "humanphilic" form, and radiate it
So, that's why I'm not extraordinary - at least in the way I was looking to be.
Peace and Love,
Serenity Joy
Sunday, August 19, 2012
Reassessment...
In a previous post I wrote of the 'evidence' I saw that hubby will not be left behind in the upcoming Shift... I mentioned that to my friend Z (the one who taught me to hug to the right), and he challenged my argument: in his view, the 'evidence' was of me rationalizing hubby's lack of interest in spiritual matters. Of course I wanted to object right away, but I'm perfectly willing to consider that I may be wrong.
So I challenged myself to open my mind and further consider the possibility that hubby and I are growing apart. How could I find this work so important, and yet not be able to even talk about it with the one I'm supposed to be sharing my life with? It was *not* easy to think about this, but I do believe in questioning from time to time whether this relationship still nourishes my spirit.
In addition to hubby's aversion for "spiritual talk," it seems like he's just going through the motions of life these days: he doesn't actually enjoy anything he does. He spends most of his free time at the computer, playing Dungeons and Dragons Online (DDO) with a group of friends. But even though he really enjoys Role Playing Games (RPGs), he doesn't seem to have fun much of the time because the other players' gaming style bugs him. And this lack of enjoyment had a direct impact on me the day we attended a friend's wedding: I wore a dress that I personally thought looked very nice, but he didn't say anything about it. He was annoyed at me because my "stuff" was all over part of the house and he was having trouble walking around it (I admit - I'm a slob), but he hadn't said anything to me so I didn't realize how much it bothered him. I've been busy with work, and it bothers me as well that my "stuff" is everywhere, but most of the time I assume he's being understanding because I'm working on a very challenging project at work.
I looked within myself and determined that I have to speak up. The focus in my life now is to raise my vibrational energy and enjoy every single moment of my human experience. In order to remain married to hubby and have a relatively peaceful co-existence, I would need to suspend all that I'm learning and working towards so I could meet him at his lower vibrational level. In this case, because we're talking about the vibrational frequency of energy, it literally would entail "lowering myself to his level." NOTE: I am not judging him or his behavior, but in terms of hertz (i.e. cycles per second), I am indeed going for a higher (bigger) number and he's staying at a lower (smaller) number.
I worked up the courage to talk to him honestly and openly. I let him know that I want to share with him all this "new age" stuff that I'm "into" because I'm working towards making that an integral part of my life. To work on my spiritual growth yet not be able to talk to him about it at all would be living a two-faced reality in my book, and that is simply something I am not capable of doing.
Long story short, we're getting there. While he's still very much averse to talking "spiritual shop" with me, at least he seems more engaged in life now. I'm evaluating if maybe there is a way to be life partners even if he's not interested in New Age topics: it's possible that pursuing happiness or some sort of joy in life could raise his vibrational frequency to a "half-way" point where we can meet.
Regardless, I'm not keeping my spiritual pursuits to myself any longer: there is way too much evidence, and I need to embrace my role as a Lightworker :-D.
Peace and Love,
Serenity Joy
So I challenged myself to open my mind and further consider the possibility that hubby and I are growing apart. How could I find this work so important, and yet not be able to even talk about it with the one I'm supposed to be sharing my life with? It was *not* easy to think about this, but I do believe in questioning from time to time whether this relationship still nourishes my spirit.
In addition to hubby's aversion for "spiritual talk," it seems like he's just going through the motions of life these days: he doesn't actually enjoy anything he does. He spends most of his free time at the computer, playing Dungeons and Dragons Online (DDO) with a group of friends. But even though he really enjoys Role Playing Games (RPGs), he doesn't seem to have fun much of the time because the other players' gaming style bugs him. And this lack of enjoyment had a direct impact on me the day we attended a friend's wedding: I wore a dress that I personally thought looked very nice, but he didn't say anything about it. He was annoyed at me because my "stuff" was all over part of the house and he was having trouble walking around it (I admit - I'm a slob), but he hadn't said anything to me so I didn't realize how much it bothered him. I've been busy with work, and it bothers me as well that my "stuff" is everywhere, but most of the time I assume he's being understanding because I'm working on a very challenging project at work.
I looked within myself and determined that I have to speak up. The focus in my life now is to raise my vibrational energy and enjoy every single moment of my human experience. In order to remain married to hubby and have a relatively peaceful co-existence, I would need to suspend all that I'm learning and working towards so I could meet him at his lower vibrational level. In this case, because we're talking about the vibrational frequency of energy, it literally would entail "lowering myself to his level." NOTE: I am not judging him or his behavior, but in terms of hertz (i.e. cycles per second), I am indeed going for a higher (bigger) number and he's staying at a lower (smaller) number.
I worked up the courage to talk to him honestly and openly. I let him know that I want to share with him all this "new age" stuff that I'm "into" because I'm working towards making that an integral part of my life. To work on my spiritual growth yet not be able to talk to him about it at all would be living a two-faced reality in my book, and that is simply something I am not capable of doing.
Long story short, we're getting there. While he's still very much averse to talking "spiritual shop" with me, at least he seems more engaged in life now. I'm evaluating if maybe there is a way to be life partners even if he's not interested in New Age topics: it's possible that pursuing happiness or some sort of joy in life could raise his vibrational frequency to a "half-way" point where we can meet.
Regardless, I'm not keeping my spiritual pursuits to myself any longer: there is way too much evidence, and I need to embrace my role as a Lightworker :-D.
Peace and Love,
Serenity Joy
Sunday, August 5, 2012
Relationships and Lightworkers
It is not until you have the courage to engage in human relationships that you grow. ~ Gary Zukav
On the same day of this message from Gary Zukav, I had my first Lightworker-to-Lightworker interaction with a co-worker at my "day job." I'll refer to him as "Z". Z told me about a friend whom he described as being afraid of being in a relationship... essentially, Z's statement mirrored the very message Gary Zukav was posting.
In a parallel vein, I've been concerned that as I seek to raise my vibrational frequency to match the Earth's evolution, I may "leave my husband behind." Hubby isn't into spiritual work - he's very much a person of five-sensory empirical evidence. He respects me and loves me enough to not judge or criticize my spiritual pursuits, but he doesn't really want to be a part of it.
Does this mean he'll "stay behind" when the Shift happens? Fortunately, the answer is a resounding "No." Here's my evidence:
1) Hubby loves me in a way I had never experienced before. Because of his love, I've been better able to connect with our Spirit nature. How could he possibly not be a highly evolved soul? He's truly my spiritual rock!
2) After Z and I chatted, we hugged, but he made a "correction" to my hug: instead of placing our heads to our left, he switched so our heads were to our rights. He described this as the better position energetically* and commented that I hug firmly ("with gusto" and openly). Later that night, as I reflected on the interaction with Z, I recalled that Hubby is a "hugger" - before we ever met, his mode of comforting friends was via hugs, even signing e-mails with "Hugs," where many of us use "Love,"... And then it dawned on my: what if Hubby designed this personality to purposely be "anchored" in a five-sensory experience because, being so highly evolved, connecting to his Higher Self would be too much for this physical body!
So, I can stop worrying about him - he's making the Shift along with Earth. Maybe he's physically most of he the time because he's so busy on "the other side."
Can you feel how much lighter I feel now? I was ecstatic when I realized Hubby is a Lightworker in his own right and in his own way.
The title of this post started as "Relationships" because I was prompted to come here by Gary Zukav's message and the connection to my conversation with Z. I added "and Lightworkers" to connect it to the "punchline" of this post - in writing this, I've realized that Lightworkers come in all forms. Not all Lightworkers look like Lightworkers - Hubby most certainly does not fit the mold of a "typical" Lightworker. And yet his is one just by being himself. Yippee!!
Peace and Love,
Serenity Joy
*Hug to the right to avoid entangling energies? I do have to research that and will post my findings at a later date.
On the same day of this message from Gary Zukav, I had my first Lightworker-to-Lightworker interaction with a co-worker at my "day job." I'll refer to him as "Z". Z told me about a friend whom he described as being afraid of being in a relationship... essentially, Z's statement mirrored the very message Gary Zukav was posting.
In a parallel vein, I've been concerned that as I seek to raise my vibrational frequency to match the Earth's evolution, I may "leave my husband behind." Hubby isn't into spiritual work - he's very much a person of five-sensory empirical evidence. He respects me and loves me enough to not judge or criticize my spiritual pursuits, but he doesn't really want to be a part of it.
Does this mean he'll "stay behind" when the Shift happens? Fortunately, the answer is a resounding "No." Here's my evidence:
1) Hubby loves me in a way I had never experienced before. Because of his love, I've been better able to connect with our Spirit nature. How could he possibly not be a highly evolved soul? He's truly my spiritual rock!
2) After Z and I chatted, we hugged, but he made a "correction" to my hug: instead of placing our heads to our left, he switched so our heads were to our rights. He described this as the better position energetically* and commented that I hug firmly ("with gusto" and openly). Later that night, as I reflected on the interaction with Z, I recalled that Hubby is a "hugger" - before we ever met, his mode of comforting friends was via hugs, even signing e-mails with "Hugs," where many of us use "Love,"... And then it dawned on my: what if Hubby designed this personality to purposely be "anchored" in a five-sensory experience because, being so highly evolved, connecting to his Higher Self would be too much for this physical body!
So, I can stop worrying about him - he's making the Shift along with Earth. Maybe he's physically most of he the time because he's so busy on "the other side."
Can you feel how much lighter I feel now? I was ecstatic when I realized Hubby is a Lightworker in his own right and in his own way.
The title of this post started as "Relationships" because I was prompted to come here by Gary Zukav's message and the connection to my conversation with Z. I added "and Lightworkers" to connect it to the "punchline" of this post - in writing this, I've realized that Lightworkers come in all forms. Not all Lightworkers look like Lightworkers - Hubby most certainly does not fit the mold of a "typical" Lightworker. And yet his is one just by being himself. Yippee!!
Peace and Love,
Serenity Joy
*Hug to the right to avoid entangling energies? I do have to research that and will post my findings at a later date.
Sunday, July 8, 2012
Am I looking too hard?
I feel completely out of sorts... Not long ago I was so sure of my purpose in being human. Now I wonder if I'm going to be left behind when the Shift takes place...
Am I really a Lightworker, or am I suffering from an inflated sense of self? Why can't I "see"?
I've been reading "The Three Waves of Volunteers" by Dolores Cannon, and the description of the second wave of volunteers resonates with me. I was so sure just a couple of weeks ago that I am indeed part of this second wave, and thus my primary purpose is to help raise the Earth's vibrational energy by simply being. But the faith I had found just a couple of weeks ago now eludes me... Why can't I remember myself in my true nature? Why am I having such a difficult time now?
I ask the Universe for help: I want to find my faith again.
[From a session with Janine Sousa at Healing Touch]
"What vibrational energy do I need to be to feel connected to Source? Anything that stands in the way, delete, un-create, destroy across all time, dimension, space, and reality."
Am I really a Lightworker, or am I suffering from an inflated sense of self? Why can't I "see"?
I've been reading "The Three Waves of Volunteers" by Dolores Cannon, and the description of the second wave of volunteers resonates with me. I was so sure just a couple of weeks ago that I am indeed part of this second wave, and thus my primary purpose is to help raise the Earth's vibrational energy by simply being. But the faith I had found just a couple of weeks ago now eludes me... Why can't I remember myself in my true nature? Why am I having such a difficult time now?
I ask the Universe for help: I want to find my faith again.
[From a session with Janine Sousa at Healing Touch]
"What vibrational energy do I need to be to feel connected to Source? Anything that stands in the way, delete, un-create, destroy across all time, dimension, space, and reality."
Monday, June 25, 2012
Receiving a message through dreams
A week ago, I asked my guides to send me messages during my most receptive state: while I'm asleep. While I won't describe the dreams in detail (largely because they were pretty graphic, violent, and disturbing), here are the things I found in common to both dreams:
- Terribly "bad" things were being done to two young brothers, whose ages were about 2 and 6
- Their mother or a mother-like woman was present yet indifferent to their suffering
- The things happening to the children would result in bodily and psychological harm, but not enough for them to die, at least not right away...
I consciously re-visualized my dreams and aimed to look at the children's suffering not as cruelty and injustice, but as courageous choices made by their souls in order to "fast track" their evolution. Upon interpreting the events as planned opportunities for growth, I also stopped seeing the people "doing" the bad things to those children as "evil" - instead, I saw them also courageous souls for accepting to bear the burden of "inflicting" the pain that would set the stage for the (potential) Spiritual Growth.
So what message were my guides sending me? Well, my mother tried to cause a miscarriage when she was pregnant with me. And although I was never physically abused, I also was rarely, if ever, shown unconditional love when I was growing up. I thought I had gotten past the anger and resentment over those events, but I still hold back loving my mother unconditionally and truly forgiving her. There have been plenty of times when I think "she's lucky I even talk to her!"
Well, it's time to truly "let her off the hook." At the soul level, this was the agreement we made and I am grateful to her for playing the "bad guy" in this lifetime for me. I needed her to set the stage for me to remember my true nature: for me to dig deep and see that I am pure Love and Light inside. I needed her to show me that Love doesn't come from others, but it comes from within - it's what we are all made of.
Thank you, Mother, for agreeing to play this role in my life. I can't imagine how difficult it was to be the recipient of my wrath as I found my way, but I see now the immense Love behind your actions. I know you tried to bail out of our agreement, and I'm glad it didn't work because your Soul also needed this experience to grow. It is now time for you to forgive yourself and, most of all, LOVE YOURSELF UNCONDITIONALLY. I certainly love you unconditionally.
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