Why am I not extraordinary?

For as long as I can recall, I've wished to somehow be "extraordinary."

1) As a young girl, I wondered why the Virgin Mary didn't appear to me - wasn't I good enough?  I tried so hard to "pray right" - to prevent my thoughts from wandering and think carefully about each word in the three prayers I said nightly so that I could actually mean it.

2) As a young adult, I thought my life was sufficiently "interesting in a messed up way" that I would be a Psychology case study.

3) When I first started my Spiritual Studies, I wished so badly to have "psychic abilities" (I guess that goes hand-in-hand with #1).

4) When I read about past lives and aliens, I tried to "will" in me the ability to move across space, time, dimensions, and realities to remember.

I've taken courses and read books on a variety of topics on the human experience, and these are some of the things I believe without hesitation:
- Human form is a manifestation of my true nature as pure Energy
- Energy can take on many forms and vibrates at numerous frequencies
- Higher vibrational frequencies are "felt:" the higher the frequency, the lighter the feeling (and vice-versa)
- Human form is not the only form I've taken: I have manifested in physical form on other world(s)
- Spiritual Guides, Ascended Master, and alien species are all real to me, although I have no proof of this other than their existence makes sense to me
- Earth is a living being and she is making a transition in energy

It's not my intent to list all my beliefs here, just to set the tone for the rest of this post.

So if I do believe all these things, why am I not able to see these things my own eyes?  Why can't I remember past lives or experiences aboard space crafts?  Why don't I see "apparitions" of my guides?  Why can't I see auras?  What am I not extraordinary?

All the courses I've taken and books I've read focus on "the other side" and how to "rise above" the human experience and its suffering.  I've tried to be enlightened and Zen about this whole living thing, but it just doesn't work for me.  So what am I doing wrong?

Well, maybe I'm not *meant* to be enlightened and Zen about being human; maybe my job is to be fully present in this human experience.  What if I don't have to be fully Zen and always "Miss Perfect who does no wrong"?  What if I'm supposed to be just like everyone else in this sense.  I like this... I officially give myself permission to be fully human, meaning:
- It's ok to be judgmental of other drivers, so long as they and I stay safe (no giving the finger just because their driving sucks)
- It's ok to need external validation once in a while - it's human nature!!
- It's so very ok to indulge in yummy fried food or meaty morsels - no vegetarian, raw, and/or liquid diets for me!

At the same time, I recognize and embrace my role in this time and place as:
- Bridge: I am human so that I can connect other humans
- Filter: I draw energy from Source, convert it to "humanphilic" form, and radiate it

So, that's why I'm not extraordinary - at least in the way I was looking to be.

Peace and Love,
Serenity Joy

Reassessment...

In a previous post I wrote of the 'evidence' I saw that hubby will not be left behind in the upcoming Shift...  I mentioned that to my friend Z (the one who taught me to hug to the right), and he challenged my argument: in his view, the 'evidence' was of me rationalizing hubby's lack of interest in spiritual matters.  Of course I wanted to object right away, but I'm perfectly willing to consider that I may be wrong.

So I challenged myself to open my mind and further consider the possibility that hubby and I are growing apart.  How could I find this work so important, and yet not be able to even talk about it with the one I'm supposed to be sharing my life with?  It was *not* easy to think about this, but I do believe in questioning from time to time whether this relationship still nourishes my spirit. 

In addition to hubby's aversion for "spiritual talk," it seems like he's just going through the motions of life these days: he doesn't actually enjoy anything he does.  He spends most of his free time at the computer, playing Dungeons and Dragons Online (DDO) with a group of friends.  But even though he really enjoys Role Playing Games (RPGs), he doesn't seem to have fun much of the time because the other players' gaming style bugs him.  And this lack of enjoyment had a direct impact on me the day we attended a friend's wedding: I wore a dress that I personally thought looked very nice, but he didn't say anything about it.  He was annoyed at me because my "stuff" was all over part of the house and he was having trouble walking around it (I admit - I'm a slob), but he hadn't said anything to me so I didn't realize how much it bothered him.  I've been busy with work, and it bothers me as well that my "stuff" is everywhere, but most of the time I assume he's being understanding because I'm working on a very challenging project at work.

I looked within myself and determined that I have to speak up.  The focus in my life now is to raise my vibrational energy and enjoy every single moment of my human experience.  In order to remain married to hubby and have a relatively peaceful co-existence, I would need to suspend all that I'm learning and working towards so I could meet him at his lower vibrational level.  In this case, because we're talking about the vibrational frequency of energy, it literally would entail "lowering myself to his level."  NOTE: I am not judging him or his behavior, but in terms of hertz (i.e. cycles per second), I am indeed going for a higher (bigger) number and he's staying at a lower (smaller) number.

I worked up the courage to talk to him honestly and openly.  I let him know that I want to share with him all this "new age" stuff that I'm "into" because I'm working towards making that an integral part of my life.  To work on my spiritual growth yet not be able to talk to him about it at all would be living a two-faced reality in my book, and that is simply something I am not capable of doing.

Long story short, we're getting there.  While he's still very much averse to talking "spiritual shop" with me, at least he seems more engaged in life now.  I'm evaluating if maybe there is a way to be life partners even if he's not interested in New Age topics: it's possible that pursuing happiness or some sort of joy in life could raise his vibrational frequency to a "half-way" point where we can meet.

Regardless, I'm not keeping my spiritual pursuits to myself any longer: there is way too much evidence, and I need to embrace my role as a Lightworker :-D.

Peace and Love,
Serenity Joy

Receiving a message through dreams

A week ago, I asked my guides to send me messages during my most receptive state: while I'm asleep.  While I won't describe the dreams in detail (largely because they were pretty graphic, violent, and disturbing), here are the things I found in common to both dreams:

• Terribly "bad" things were being done to two young brothers, whose ages were about 2 and 6
• Their mother or a mother-like woman was present yet indifferent to their suffering
• The things happening to the children would result in bodily and psychological harm, but not enough for them to die, at least not right away...

I've been focusing on being non-judgmental about seemingly "bad" things happening to good (or innocent) people. So, I challenged myself to look at these events not as "evil to be eradicated," but as part of those souls' plans for growth during their human incarnation...

I consciously re-visualized my dreams and aimed to look at the children's suffering not as cruelty and injustice, but as courageous choices made by their souls in order to "fast track" their evolution.  Upon interpreting the events as planned opportunities for growth, I also stopped seeing the people "doing" the bad things to those children as "evil" - instead, I saw them also courageous souls for accepting to bear the burden of "inflicting" the pain that would set the stage for the (potential) Spiritual Growth. 

So what message were my guides sending me?  Well, my mother tried to cause a miscarriage when she was pregnant with me.  And although I was never physically abused, I also was rarely, if ever, shown unconditional love when I was growing up.  I thought I had gotten past the anger and resentment over those events, but I still hold back loving my mother unconditionally and truly forgiving her.  There have been plenty of times when I think "she's lucky I even talk to her!"  

Well, it's time to truly "let her off the hook."  At the soul level, this was the agreement we made and I am grateful to her for playing the "bad guy" in this lifetime for me.  I needed her to set the stage for me to remember my true nature: for me to dig deep and see that I am pure Love and Light inside.  I needed her to show me that Love doesn't come from others, but it comes from within - it's what we are all made of.

Thank you, Mother, for agreeing to play this role in my life.  I can't imagine how difficult it was to be the recipient of my wrath as I found my way, but I see now the immense Love behind your actions.  I know you tried to bail out of our agreement, and I'm glad it didn't work because your Soul also needed this experience to grow.  It is now time for you to forgive yourself and, most of all, LOVE YOURSELF UNCONDITIONALLY.  I certainly love you unconditionally.