What does the term "self-destructive behavior" bring to mind?
- Cutting
- Overeating
- Smoking
- Remaining in an abusive relationship
These are all overt behaviors. There are also internal behaviors:
- Suicidal ideation (perhaps the most self-destructive behavior of all)
- Thinking you are less worthy than others
What is on my mind right now is another type of self-destructive behavior that may not be easily recognized as such. For me, it's not keeping regular sleep hours.
Each night, my husband goes to sleep no later than 9:30pm. Isn't this just a perfect reminder for me to hit the sac? And yet I say up, and not to do things (because I can't make noise now that hubby is sleeping) - so I just stay up watching television.
The following pattern has taken place the last 5 days:
- My husband kisses me goodnight by 10pm
- I stay in the living room watching television
- I flip channels, not really finding much to watch (especially as we hit the hour mark and shows are ending)
- I start to fall asleep around 12:30am, but I continue to stay in the living room flipping channels
- I fall asleep on the couch with the lights and TV on, wake up some time between 1am and 2am, and finally mosey on up to bed, not brushing my teeth or washing my face as I should
- For work days, have significant trouble getting to work on time
- And today, Saturday, not getting up until almost 10am...
This morning I wasn't even tired, I wasn't even having a sound sleep... I was half-awake, aware that my husband was getting ready to do things, feeding cats, showering... And yet I stayed in bed, hoping to get some rest, but not really achieving it.
*This* is my version of self-destructive, and even self-mutilating behavior.
My husband was annoyed at me this morning for staying up so late and then not getting up until 10am. I understand his frustration, and it's not like he was overtly mad - just annoyed, and I noticed it, so I inquired. That's when I realized that this is my version of self-mutilating behavior, and I plan to share this insight with him so he can respond with kindness and ask "what's wrong?" instead of getting annoyed. I'm not trying to be a slob, or an irresponsible person - I'm just trying to hurt myself by doing things I **know** are detrimental to my overall well-being.
There are other, equally subtle or "socially acceptable" self-mutilating behaviors I engage in: the one that easily comes to mind is eating a pile of fried food or high-sugar pastries on days when I'm stressed. I almost *wish* I would drink, smoke, or use drugs so it would be more obvious that I'm really emoting the sadness I feel inside.
But, I'm not writing this to pity myself or say to the world how it can help me. I will share with my husband that, when I do these things, it's because I feel sad, lonely, or empty inside, and something along the lines of "What's wrong?" would be effective at helping to stop the behavior, and it would also prevent him from getting frustrated. He doesn't have to be a victim in this either :).
So, the reason I'm really writing is to think through this. What hurt is at the root of this behavior?
Work.
I enjoy my job - it's frustrating, and these days I do nothing by troubleshoot issues, but I like this. I do not exaggerate when I say I am one of maybe two or three people at my job site of 500 that can effectively troubleshoot the issues we are having with the new business system software installed in October. The software is an end-to-end system, from receipt of customer orders, to design of custom solutions, to procurement of components, to manufacturing, and finally delivery. Most people, when they encounter an issue, look for the problem in the immediate vicinity of their function, but this software system is tightly integrated end-to-end, which means often the problem lies far away: for example, a problem in placing a purchase order for components may be caused by an error in the way the customer order was entered.
The actual challenges with getting work done are compounded by the internal culture and politics, and this is the part that's most frustrating. I've tried to cross boundaries and help other divisions, and the result has been people yelling at me or politely telling me to piss off. The most challenging part about my job is navigating all the negative, dark, low-frequency energy floating about in the form of past resentments and territorial attitudes.
So I truly do need to find a way to help myself here. How am I going to build my defenses so I don't get dragged down to the energy level others exhibit?
This is really what it boils down to, and this is something I've done before and can do again. I need to work more on recharging my spirit and tapping into my Source energy so I can project positive energy continuously and thus prevent the negative energy from making its way back to me. I don't know that my spirit has an energy one-way valve I can shut off: it's more of an open channel. Therefore, to prevent stuff from "backing up" into me, I have to keep "flushing" the channel in one direction, and that's positive energy out. To do that, I have to focus on keeping my connection to Source so I'm continuously drawing that positive energy and projecting it into this reality.
Source energy is limitless. Sure, I could try "recharging" but I think it's possible to skip being a battery and just plug right into the source of power. In my view, this is a more concrete description of how to solve this problem :-).
Thank you for following along as I spent a few minutes in self-discovery.
Peace and Love,
Serenity Joy
